The F Word Nobody Wants to Talk About (But Should) - FAILURE!
Failure - the other “F word.”
We have been hardwired to avoid failure at all costs and how we handle failure is shaped at an early age.
Most people view failure as a sign of weakness, inadequacy, or personal incompetence. For these reasons, we fear failure so much that it can be crippling.
We mainly fear what other people will think of us if we fail. That internal talk track can be on repeat. What will others think or say if I don’t do this right? What if I don’t do this as well as her? What if they don’t think I’m good enough? What if I bomb that job interview? Any of this sound familiar? It’s all tied to a fear of failure.
We fear failure so much, that we avoid trying anything new - even if it involves activities we’ve always wanted to do or things we’ve dreamed of accomplishing. Being a slave to the fear of failure can stifle growth and keep us stuck in a cycle of negative self-talk, imposter syndrome BS, and keep us from trying anything new.
But our failures can also be a source of growth and an opportunity to learn something new. How we approach our failures makes all the difference.
Why’s It Gotta Be a Bad Thing?
When did failure become such a bad thing? Let’s look at the psychology of failure for a second.
What do we feel inside when we fail? Pain? Helplessness? Failure can be very demotivating and ego-threatening. When we fail, others may view us as incompetent, which creates even more fear of failure.
I know I’ve had so many face-palm moments when I’ve failed - countless! Those moments we speak up to make a point in a meeting, but are quickly proven wrong. Sending a text to the wrong person, calling someone by the wrong name, putting something off until the last minute and missing that critical window of opportunity, messing up an important relationship, not standing up for yourself, feeling like a failure as a parent/friend/partner/etc., making a bad investment decision…you name it, I’ve been there!
There’s great emphasis on turning our failures into success. I believe that failure presents an opportunity for growth and eventual success. But how often does that happen and how can we improve our chances of success?
A recent study dove into the negative psychological effects of promoting the benefits of failure. (Stay with me…they have some valid points.) They argue that success does not follow failure at as high a rate as we may think. Several factors determine if success will follow failure, many of which are 100% up to us and how we respond to failure.
For example, a large percentage of people who have suffered a heart attack do not take the steps necessary to avoid another one in the future by making the appropriate lifestyle adjustments (stop smoking, start exercising, eat a healthy diet, get enough sleep, all the things).
The pain itself does not always inspire action to create a more positive outcome. What we choose to do with that pain can affect a successful outcome in the future.
The good news is, we are 100% in control of how we deal with our failures. We control our mindset and perspective. We can control our motivation and resiliency. We decide - no one else.
The bad news is that we are the only ones who can decide to do those things - no one is coming to rescue us or do it for us. It’s all on us!
Our Early Years Set the Stage
Real Talk: If you’re a parent raising kids of any age, this is critically important.
How we were raised and disciplined as a child also greatly impacts how we handle failure. A parent's response to their child's failures shapes how the child will perceive and navigate setbacks throughout their entire life. (Read that again.)
Warning: Gen X Parenting Rant Ahead
- - -
Warning: Gen X Parenting Rant Ahead - - -
Warning: Rant about parenting happening in 3, 2, 1…
As parents, we have a responsibility to teach our kids how to effectively handle life’s setbacks and hurdles - not to protect them from them! (The Karen Disclaimer: Obviously you should protect them from preventable harmful failures—you know, the kind that causes physical damage, not just hurt their feelings a little. Thanks - GenX)
Now…GET OUT OF THE WAY and LET THEM FAIL! Teach them how to adjust their mindset, take a step back, and critically think about what they could have done differently to create a better outcome. Ask them what a successful outcome might look like and what steps need to be taken to get there. Encourage them to do just that! After all, we all know that if it’s their idea, they will be 1,000% more likely to follow through.
DO NOT give them everything their heart desires or shield them from disappointment - this is not how life works in the real world and you’re doing them a grave disservice by setting an unrealistic expectation of what life is about. Give them $40 bucks for the week and teach them how to budget it to last: no wiggle room (because that’s what adulting actually looks like, Karen!) If you hand them everything because “you want them to have a better life than you did” (I get it), they will only be disappointed at the amount of work a comfortable lifestyle takes. They may just end up living in your basement for the rest of their life! (Seriously, why are there so many adults living under their parent’s roof?) If this is what you want, then you may need to consider if you have co-dependency issues or a fear of finding out who you are outside of “parent/mom/dad”. (Have I mentioned how beneficial therapy is?)
Give them the space to make their own choices when they are young - when the consequences of their poor choices are not so life-altering. Teach them how to navigate it early, grow their resiliency, and manage their expectations.
For the love of Pete! Can we please reinstitute the concept of personal responsibility for failures - not everything is everyone else’s fault and your kid is not a saint (Karen!) Because of this, our workforce isn't what it once was. Am I right? Phew... this GenXer is a little worked up. Deep breaths...
Rant over!
GenX Parenting Rant Over
- - -
GenX Parenting Rant Over - - -
I was raised in a household with high expectations, but failures were also accepted as an opportunity to learn (insider note: I come from a long line of educators). Some of you may come from a household where failure was not tolerated and there was severe punishment when you failed, making it even more difficult to accept failure. An overly critical parent can affect self-esteem and create a default negative mindset full of self-doubt that can set the tone for adulthood if not worked on.
Either way, how our parents reacted to our failures and the amount of freedom they gave us to make them have shaped the way we face life’s setbacks as adults.
How were you raised? How did it affect you and how did you handle your failures or those of your children? This is an important question to reflect on. Take a minute to think about how this has impacted your life.
We ALL FAIL - Creating Your Own Success Story
When I think about the moments in life where I have learned and grown the most, it was most often thanks to failing. And sometimes, I failed at the same thing multiple times before I learned how to do it the right way.
If you’ve followed and read my other blogs, you know that I’m your typical idealist. I see the potential in everything - people, situations, everything! I’ve spent much of my life disappointed when things have not lived up to my ideals. Let’s be honest, much of life is NOT ideal! The last few years have taught me how to accept things for what they are. Often that means accepting my failures and the failures of others.
So, how can we turn our greatest failures into success stories? Here are a few things to consider to help adjust our mindset:
If you fail, accept it and give yourself some grace. See it for what it is and just chalk it up as a failed attempt. It’s a natural part of life because not one person is perfect.
Take a step back and analyze what went wrong or what you could have done differently. Take note of the actions you can take on your next attempt to create a better outcome and move closer to success.
Focus on developing resilience. Shake off the negative feelings you may have around the failure and have a positive mindset to jump back in and try again. Know that you can always make changes going forward and almost nothing is permanent in life - change is a constant and a continuous process.
Get outside your comfort zone and take calculated risks! Be willing to try new approaches.
Set clear goals and ask for constructive criticism from people you trust and respect (please do not ask the Negative Nancy - she will only bring you down).
Real Life Failures Turned Successes
In case you need some real-life examples of how this approach has led to some of the world’s greatest successes, here are a few to inspire you and remind you that it’s never too late and nothing is out of reach if you are resilient enough and have a clear goal in mind.
Thomas Edison and the Light Bulb
Edison reportedly failed 1,000 times before successfully inventing the light bulb. When asked about his failures, he said, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter
Rowling’s manuscript for Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone was rejected by 12 publishers before being accepted by Bloomsbury. Today, the series has sold over 600 million copies worldwide.Colonel Sanders and KFC
At age 65, Colonel Harland Sanders pitched his fried chicken recipe and business idea to over 1,000 restaurants before finding success with Kentucky Fried Chicken.James Dyson and the Vacuum Cleaner
Dyson created 5,127 prototypes before finally developing a vacuum cleaner that worked. That persistence paid off, as Dyson now has a company worth over $15 billion.Walt Disney and Animation
Disney was fired by a newspaper editor for “lacking imagination” and had several failed ventures before launching Disneyland. Bank after bank refused to fund his theme park idea until he finally succeeded.Michael Jordan and Missed Shots
Michael Jordan famously said, “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”Albert Einstein and Education
Einstein didn’t speak until he was four and didn’t read until he was seven. He was expelled from school for not meeting academic standards. Yet, he went on to become one of history’s most renowned physicists, receiving the 1921 Nobel Prize in Physics.Oprah Winfrey and Broadcasting
Oprah was fired from her first TV anchor job for being "unfit for television." She pushed through rejection and now has a net worth of over $2.5 billion, becoming one of the most influential women in the world.Steven Spielberg and Film School
Spielberg was rejected from the University of Southern California’s film school three times. He eventually went on to create some of the highest-grossing films of all time, like Jurassic Park and E.T.The Beatles and Record Labels
The Beatles were turned down by four different record labels, including Decca Records, who said, “Guitar groups are on their way out.” They became one of the most influential bands in history, selling over 600 million albums worldwide.
These stories prove that failure is often just the beginning of success! So don’t be afraid to fail. Shift your perspective, develop your resiliency, and go for it! I believe in you, Babe!
Love, Danielle
