What is Radical Acceptance?
Life rarely unfolds as we expect. When faced with one of my hardest challenges—navigating my daughter’s incarceration and addiction—I had to confront my own expectations and realities.
I was told that the key to navigating tough times like these is practicing “radical acceptance.” I had no idea what that meant, let alone how to practice it. But I’ve since learned that radical acceptance means embracing things as they truly are—not as you wish they were.
If you’re anything like me, you might have spent your life seeing the best in everyone—so much so that it’s all you see. The red flags? Overlooked. You convince yourself your partner’s anger or addiction isn’t a problem. You tell yourself your child has it all together, following the path you’ve laid out for them.
I get it because I’ve lived it. For most of my life, I clung to my rose-colored glasses, refusing to acknowledge anything that didn’t fit the picture-perfect world I wanted to believe in. The power of positive thinking, right? Ha! Let me tell you, Babe, there’s a very fine line between optimism and denial.
Check Your Expectations at the Door
My grandmother used to say, “Don’t expect anything and you’ll never be disappointed.” I’ve thought about this so much, and my immediate reaction has always been, “NO! This is a horrible outlook on life!” From my perspective, I want to have expectations, particularly for the people I choose to include in my life. If we have no standards, then we just accept everything that comes our way. Wait a second….maybe that’s the point she was really trying to make.
If I had a dollar for every time I was disappointed or when situations or people did not live up to my expectations I’d be independently wealthy! There’s no doubt we’ve all been there. Someone promises something and doesn’t do what they say they will. Kids do the opposite of how we taught them. A promotion is promised, then no matter how hard you work, it never comes to fruition. A relationship fails. Pick your situation…we all have them!
What I’ve learned from my biggest disappointments, those situations that have caused me the most grief is that I have to let go of what I thought they should have been and accept the way things are. Only then could I see things clearly and move forward in truth.
“What I’ve learned from my biggest disappointments, those situations that have caused me the most grief, is that I have to let go of what I thought they should have been and accept the way things are. ”
The Hardest Moments - Grief and Guilt
For me, the hardest moments of my life have been the failure of my 19-year marriage, deciding it was time to let go and dealing with the fallout from my adult daughter’s addiction that followed. The grief that washed over me held me captive. I struggled every day, even though much of it was out of my control. (But boy did I try to control it all!)
From the outside looking in, I handled it like a champ. I kept moving forward, went to work every day, and did what I needed to do to pull myself up and move on. But inside, I was dying. The expectations I had for my life and for those I love were nowhere near what our reality was, and it tore me up inside.
Grieving the hope and plans that I had for my marriage and for my children were, and sometimes still are, very difficult for me. I had a clear picture of what I wanted for my marriage and for my kids. When I said “I do”, I expected to have a loving partner who I could build a life with and grow a family with. A stable partner who gave just as much as I did and was my safe place where I could be myself. A protector who would always put our family first and make sure we were taken care of. Someone who would support my growth and independence and cheer me on as much as I cheered them on. Isn’t this what everyone wants in a marriage?
My marriage was anything but that and towards the end, things got pretty bad. His addiction was in overload and we were fighting daily. It had become toxic. Our financial situation was dyer and I didn’t see any way out. I was exhausted - I think we both were - and I finally accepted that it wasn’t going to change and walked away after 19 years of marriage. My children were 17 and 15 when I filed for divorce.
It was a terrible time for all of us. I had to watch my children struggle and my former partner spiral further into his addiction. I felt very guilty and responsible for everyone’s pain. But I was fighting my own battle, going through bankruptcy, working two jobs, and just trying to get back on my feet. My daughter left for college, and my son was left in the middle of the mess which was hard for him and not fair.
When COVID hit, my daughter found herself isolated and in the throes of her own addiction. The rollercoaster that was her life was so hard to watch and I only saw a very small bit of it. Only the pieces she would let me see. She did graduate with honors, but shortly after, she became incarcerated and three years later we are still awaiting trial while she remains in jail.
The grief over her situation has nearly killed me. It’s been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I grieve the life she could have had, her absence in our lives, and the tragedy that put her there.
I have immense grief and guilt over all of it. My internal dialogue says that maybe if I wouldn’t have divorced her father, she wouldn’t be in this situation. Or maybe if I had been more forceful, or called or visited more often, or done any number of things differently, things may be different. The “if only I would have…” commentary in my mind was maddening. The worry and sleepless nights over what the rest of her life will look like and the psychological impact all that she’s been through will have on her short and long term. My momma’s heart is broken.
Choosing to Accept Things for What They Are
After much therapy and so many Al-Anon meetings, I’ve learned that in both of these situations, I had no control, I didn’t cause it, and I can’t cure it (the three C’s of Al-Anon). My only choice is to either make myself sick with grief every day or radically accept things for what they truly are, focusing on the things I can control - myself - and giving the rest over to God. Trusting that His plan is greater than any plan I could ever imagine. It’s the only way I can move through this.
The most poignant moment for me was when someone at an Al-Anon meeting shared “I’m Putting My Son in Your Care” from Al-Anon’s The Forum. It’s written from the perspective of what a mother’s Higher Power would tell her about how to handle her son’s addiction. It hit me like a TON of bricks and was the turning point for me in embracing radical acceptance in my life.
For me, the concept of radical acceptance and focusing only on the things I can control has saved my sanity. Now, when faced with any difficult situation, I ask myself, “what of this can I control?” If the answer is nothing, I say a quick prayer and let it go. I’ve wasted way too much of my life worrying over things I had no control over. I can tell you with certainty that no amount of worry ever changed the outcome of the situation one bit! It only stole my peace.
I will not tell you that every day is easy, because it’s not. I won’t tell you that every day I move closer to the light at the end of the tunnel, because there are days when all I see is darkness. But I can tell you that focusing only on the things I can control and giving everything else over to God has been transformative for me.
How Radical Acceptance Has Changed My Life
Today, I’m able to accept every part of my journey (the good, bad, and the ugly) and be thankful for the lessons they’ve taught me. I know that God has a purpose in every struggle and every tragedy. He is stretching me to grow in ways that I need to so I can achieve His purpose for my life. Yes, there is still so much unknown to me, but I remind myself that He has already written the story of our lives. He has gone before us and we don’t have to fear anything. Because of this, I can accept things as they are.
I believe that He is at work in my daughter’s life. I’ve seen her grow in ways I never thought possible and am so proud of her strength and perseverance through everything she is facing. I believe He is at work in my ex-husband’s life and we now have the ability to talk and support one another through our daughter’s struggle. I believe He is at work in my son’s life too, and he’s learning from her mistakes and making other choices for himself. The crazy thing is, we are stronger today as a family unit than we were during our marriage. It’s funny how God works!
None of those things would even be possible if it weren’t for radical acceptance of what is and trust in a Higher Power to work all things for good. Our only choice is to grow through what we go through. The best way I’ve found to do that is to let go of what I cannot control and accept things for what they are. Radical Acceptance, Babe!
Take Good Care,
Danielle
Have you been through something similar? If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you! Send me a message below and let’s connect on the Been There Babe Facebook page. I hope to hear from you soon!
