What is Radical Acceptance?
In the middle of one of the most chaotic times of my life, I was told that the key to dealing with all that life throws at us is to exercise “radical acceptance.” I had no idea what that even meant, let alone how to “exercise” it. So, I’m going to share what I learned in hopes that it may help you….here goes!
Radical acceptance is accepting what IS instead of what you THINK IT SHOULD BE. Sounds easy, right?
Not so fast…how many times have you ever seen the potential in someone, so much that it’s all you see? You don’t see the red flags. You pretend your partner doesn’t have a problem with their anger or with alcohol. You pretend your child has it all together and is doing exactly what you tell them to do. Well, I’m here to tell you that I’ve lived the majority of my life like this.
If there were rose-colored glasses to be had, I wore them proudly and denied anyone who told me the world was anything other than the pretty picture I wanted it to be. The power of positive thinking, right? Ha! That’s a fine line, Babe!
Check Your Expectations at the Door
My grandmother used to say, “Don’t expect anything and you’ll never be disappointed.” I’ve thought about this so much, and my immediate reaction has always been, “NO! This is a horrible outlook on life!” From my perspective, I want to have expectations, particularly for the people I choose to include in my life. If we have no standards, then we just accept everything that comes our way. Wait a second….maybe that’s the point she was really trying to make.
If I had a dollar for every time I was disappointed or when situations did not live up to my expectations I’d be independently wealthy! There’s no doubt we’ve all been there. Someone promises something and doesn’t do what they say they will. Kids do the opposite of how we taught them. A promotion is promised, then no matter how hard you work, it never comes to fruition. A relationship fails. Pick your situation…we all have them!
What I’ve learned from my biggest disappointments, those situations that have caused me the most grief, is that I have to let go of what I thought they should have been and accept the way things are. Only then can we see things clearly and move forward in truth.
“What I’ve learned from my biggest disappointments, those situations that have caused me the most grief, is that I have to let go of what I thought they should have been and accept the way things are. ”
The Hardest Moments
For me, the hardest moments of my life have been the failure of my 19 year marriage, deciding it was time to let go, and dealing with the fallout from my adult daughter’s addiction which followed. The grief that washed over me held me captive. I literally struggled every day with waves of grief with both of these events in my life. Sure, from the outside looking in, I handled it like a champ. I kept moving forward, went to work every day, did what I needed to do to pull myself up and move on. But inside, I was literally dying. The expectations I had for my life and for those I love were no where near what our reality was, and it tore me up inside.
Grieving the hope and plans that I had for my marriage and for my children were, and sometimes still are, very difficult for me. I had a clear picture of what I wanted for my marriage and for my kids. When I said “I do”, I expected to have a loving partner who I could build a life with and grow a family with. A stable partner who gave just as much as I did and was my safe place where I could be myself. A protector who would always put our family first and make sure we were taken care of. Someone who would support my growth and independence and cheer me on as much as I cheered them on. Isn’t this what everyone wants in a marriage?
But mine was riddled with addiction, infidelity, financial hardship, abuse, and pain. I finally accepted that it wasn’t going to change and walked away after 19 years of marriage. My children were 17 and 15 when I filed for divorce. It was a terrible time for all of us. I had to watch my children struggle and my former partner spiral further into his addiction and lose everything, blaming me for it all. There was nothing I could do. I felt very guilty and responsible for everyone’s pain. I was going through bankruptcy, working two jobs, and just trying to get back on my feet. My daughter left for college, but I still had my son at home I needed to take care of.
My daughter now tells me that when she left for college, she felt like she was on her own. We had so much going on here still, that we were all individually consumed by our own battles. Then, COVID hit. Classes were remote, she felt isolated, and she turned to drugs and lived a double life for over a year. Looking back, the signs were all there. We argued, she was distant, I was helping her as much as I could with her rent and other expenses to allow her to focus on school. Little did I know, she was in the throes of addiction and had a boyfriend who attempted to kill her one night, resulting in charges and an 8 month jail sentence for him. The rollercoaster that was her life was so hard to watch and I only saw a very small bit of it. Only the pieces she would let me see.
As any parent would, I wanted her to thrive and find her passion. She is so smart and graduated from college with honors and a full-ride scholarship. But shortly after graduation, she got back with the boyfriend who attempted to kill her and became incarcerated herself not long after. More than three years later, she is still incarcerated and awaiting trial. The grief over her situation has nearly killed me. It’s been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I grieve the life she could have had, her absence in our lives, and the tragedy that put her there.
I have immense grief and guilt over my role in her choices. My internal dialogue says that maybe if I wouldn’t have divorced her father, she wouldn’t be in this situation. Or maybe if I had been more forceful, or called or visited more often, or done any number of things differently, things may be different. The “if only I would have…” commentary in my mind was maddening. The worry and sleepless nights over what the rest of her life will look like and the psychological impact all that she’s been through will have on her short and long term. My momma’s heart is broken.
Choosing to Accept Things for What They Are
After much therapy and so many Al-Anon meetings, I’ve learned that in both of these situations, I had no control, I didn’t cause it, and I can’t cure it. My only choice is to either make myself sick with grief every day or radically accept things for what they truly are, focusing on the things I can control - myself - and giving the rest over to God. Trusting that His plan is greater than any plan I could ever imagine. This is the only way I can move through this.
I will not tell you that every day is easy, because it’s not. I won’t tell you that everyday I move closer to the light at the end of the tunnel, because there are days when all I see is darkness. But I can tell you that focusing only on the things I can control and giving everything else over to God has literally saved my life.
Today, I’m able to accept every part of my journey and be thankful for the lessons they’ve taught me. I know that God has a purpose in every struggle and every tragedy. He is stretching me to grow in ways that I need to so I can achieve His purpose for my life. Yes, there is still so much unknown to me, but I remind myself that He has already written the story of our lives. He has gone before us and we don’t have to fear anything.
I believe that He is at work in my daughter’s life. I’ve seen her grow in ways I never thought possible and am so proud of her strength and perseverance through everything she’s faced and is facing. I believe He is at work in my ex-husband’s life and we now have the ability to talk and support one another through our daughter’s struggle. I believe He is at work in my son’s life too, and he’s learning from her mistakes and making other choices for himself. The crazy thing is, we are stronger today as a family unit than we were during our marriage. It’s funny how God works!
None of those things would even be possible if it weren’t for radical acceptance of what is and trust in a higher power to work all things for good. Our only choice is to grow through what we go through. The best way I’ve found to do that is to let go of what I cannot control and accept things for what they are. Radical Acceptance, Babe!
Take Good Care,
Danielle
Have you been through something similar? If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you! Send me a message below and let’s connect on the Been There Babe Facebook page. I hope to hear from you soon!
