How to Love Your Young Adult Child Through Tough Times (Without Sacrificing Your Own Peace)
When your child is born, love doesn’t just settle in—it crashes over you like a tidal wave. It’s an all-consuming, breathtaking force that fills every corner of your being, leaving no room for anything else. It’s the kind of love that steals your breath, brings tears to your eyes, and makes time stand still.
As you hold that tiny, perfect person for the first time, your heart expands in ways you never thought possible. It’s awe mixed with terror, joy tangled with vulnerability. In an instant, your world shifts—nothing will ever matter as much as this life in your arms.
There’s an aching kind of love too, one that whispers, I will do anything to protect you. It’s fierce and instinctual, a love so deep it feels like it’s been a part of you forever. And in that moment, before the sleepless nights and the hard choices, before they grow and pull away, all that exists is this: a love so pure, so powerful, it changes you at your core. Forever.
But as they grow and become young adults, something changes. You watch them make their own choices, and sometimes those choices break your heart. You want to protect them from making mistakes, but you can’t. And that’s where the real struggle begins.
The Shift from Parent to Guide: Letting Go
The transition from directing their every move to standing back and letting them make their own choices is one of the hardest things a parent can experience. As a parent, you spent years making decisions for them, fixing their problems, and protecting them from harm. But as they become young adults, your role needs to shift from that of a controller to a guide (but only when asked!).
This shift is bittersweet—it feels like handing over the keys to a car you spent years building, knowing you can’t control where they drive. At first, the instinct is to step in and fix things (raise your hand if you’re a chronic fixer!). You want to shield them from pain, to save them from every mistake. But deep down, you know growth happens through struggles, not by fixing everything for them.
The Struggle is REAL!
This has been a common theme in many recent conversations with my friends over coffee. The children are growing and becoming young adults and the parents are struggling to let them make their own choices.
Sometimes they make the right decisions and you can celebrate with them and feel that sense of pride that all parents want to feel. But sometimes they struggle and make choices you know are not in their best interest.
I have experienced both. One of my young adults is thriving with a great job, has purchased a home, and is doing well. My other young adult has been struggling for many years and our relationship was tumultuous for a long time.
My well-meaning “help” was not always received how I intended it to be, leading to arguments and fracturing our relationship. I worried myself sick, literally. I suffered from insomnia, wasn’t taking care of myself, and wanted to fix all the things in her life so she could live the life I envisioned for her. I also felt extreme guilt over all the choices I’ve made as a parent!
If you have a young adult child who has also struggled, this may sound very familiar to you. You know all too well the sleepless nights, constant worry, checking their location, and bank account, calling and texting without any response for hours or even days.
Al-Anon meetings helped me learn to let go of control and turn everything over to her Higher Power to guide her. The reading of “I’m Putting My Son In Your Care” during a meeting was my “ah-ha” moment! I share more about this moment in this video.
What I want you to know is that no amount of worry has ever changed a dang thing! It is possible to let go, prioritize your well-being, live a peaceful life, and accept them for who they are while loving and supporting them through their struggles.
When They Make Poor Choices: Our Emotional Struggle
Watching your adult child struggle and make choices you disagree with is an emotional challenge that can leave you feeling powerless. You may want to step in, but you know that doing so will only rob them of the lessons they need to learn independently.
The emotional tug-of-war between your wisdom and their independence is painful. Why can’t we just pour all the knowledge we’ve gained in our lifetime into them so they don’t make the same mistakes we did?
You feel anxious about their future, frustrated by their lack of foresight, and sometimes even angry that they’re not listening to you. But ultimately, you must accept that their journey is theirs alone. Your job is to love them through the hard times—not to rescue them from every consequence.
Did anyone rescue you from your choices as a young adult? Would you be where you are now with the knowledge you have gained had you not learned those lessons yourself?
So LET THEM learn their lessons and you focus on yourself.
Prioritizing Your Own Well-Being: Why It Matters
One of the most powerful things you can do for your child—and for yourself—is to prioritize your own well-being. The truth is, worrying about them all the time doesn’t help them grow. It harms you. It steals your peace, affects your health, and creates a cycle of stress and resentment.
Maintaining boundaries with your adult child, reclaiming your own identity, and prioritizing self-care is a game changer.
At first, it may feel unnatural or even selfish. Guilt may creep in, asking, “What if they think I don’t care?” But over time, you’ll begin to notice a shift.
Your boundaries help you regain your peace, and they model healthy behavior for your child. When you care for yourself, you show your child they are also worthy of self-care.
When they see you thriving, it offers them a vision of what’s possible. It removes the crutch of enabling and forces them to take responsibility for their own life.
How to Model Emotional Resilience: Teaching Self-Healing Through Your Own Growth
The most profound way to help your child navigate their own struggles is by leading through example. This means learning to heal yourself, set healthy boundaries, and prioritize your own emotional resilience.
Start small: instead of answering their late-night crisis calls, take care of your own needs first. Put your phone on do not disturb at bedtime. Go for a walk, get rest, and make time for things that nurture your soul. Let them figure out their challenges without bailing them out, even when it’s hard to watch.
It’s a long, slow process, but eventually, your child will notice. They’ll start adopting some of the behaviors they’ve seen you practice—going for a walk when overwhelmed, seeking therapy, making healthier choices. This shift doesn’t happen overnight, but with time, it will. And when it does, you’ll realize that by choosing your own healing, you’ve given them the tools to heal as well.
My daughter now tells me how much me “living my best life” is helping her in her own healing journey.
Encouraging Open Communication: Building Trust Without Judgment
One of the best ways to strengthen your relationship with your adult child is by fostering open communication. It’s not always easy, especially when emotions run high, but it’s essential for creating a safe space where your child feels heard and understood.
To encourage this kind of communication, listen without judgment. (Yes, that means you have to practice radical acceptance.) When they share their struggles, don’t jump in with solutions unless they ask for them. You can say things like, “I’m here to listen if you want to talk” or “Would you like advice, or do you just need someone to hear you out?”
Remember to keep showing up with love, even when they push you away. Sometimes, it’s just about making sure they know you’re there—without pressure. Over time, this consistent support builds trust and creates an environment where they feel safe enough to open up.
This has been a long process for me and my daughter, but we can now talk and understand one another while giving each other the space to be ourselves.
Finding a Way to Love Without Losing Yourself
Unconditional love for a young adult looks different than it did when they were children. It’s not about fixing their problems or shielding them from pain—it’s about standing beside them, steady and unwavering, even when their choices break your heart.
Support and enabling may feel the same at times, but they are worlds apart. Support means offering guidance while allowing them to take responsibility for their actions. Enabling means removing consequences, which only robs them of growth opportunities.
Ultimately, finding peace—even when they’re struggling—is the greatest gift you can give yourself. It’s about accepting that their journey is theirs to live, and trusting that the love and wisdom you’ve poured into them will take root in time.
You can love them without losing yourself. And when you find peace within yourself, you become a living example that they, too, can find their way to healing.
